a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
