If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
