I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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