I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
