kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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