I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
