Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
