I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
