I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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