Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
