You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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