Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
