im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
