Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
