Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
kristin has been a bad kristin
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
