On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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