9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
