Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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