my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize