It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
