if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
