I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
