Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
