PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
