Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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