I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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