Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
