I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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