We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
