I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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