just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
