I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
