i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
