Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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