Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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