i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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