piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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