It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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