shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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