I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i will never coherently bang her
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize