im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
