Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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