Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
