well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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