No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize