lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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