Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
