Are we in a gay sports bar?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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