Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
