she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize