I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
