I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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