there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
