so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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