I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
