he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
