I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
this is an emotional support booty call
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
