You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
