Kiss
Puke
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
