things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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