Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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